The first Loser Photographers feature!
LoserPhotographers.com Feature: Setting up Your own Fake Photography Business! PARTS 1 & 2
This should be of great interest to all the middle age or fresh-out-of-college LOSERS out there. Suddenly get a yearning to be an “artist” when you see that shiny new Canon 5D MkII at Best Buy? Did you see Marc’s new “photos” on photo.net and get a rise in the pants? Follow the steps in this article so you can call yourself an Artist and Professional Photographer too! Because we like to write, and these can get a little long, we’re posting 2 parts per post. Check back for the rest!
UPDATE: Parts 3 & 4 are now available here.
1. Ask the Right Questions.
You need to be seen as a thinker, a perceptive person who realized all the “shortcomings” of film, and therefore, for years, you ignored large and medium format film photography in favor of a real camera, that would one day appear, like the 12mp Canon 5D. You are a discerning “artist” who is in search of the ultimate quality with which to express his “vision”. Which is why you are looking at a 12 or 20mp camera instead of the 100 megapixels you can get from medium format, or the 400+ megapixels from large format. Anyway, Marc said the 5D is better than medium format, and that settles it! Ask on a blog or forum where other idiots such as yourself prowl:
-“Marc, is the 5D really that good?” [to which Marc will reply “just buy one of my prints!”]
-“Can the 5D MkII really print to incomprehensible sizes?” [the loser who made this claim will be profiled soon]
Or maybe you are really serious about your new “passion”. You might go ahead and post something like this:
-“I am a professional landscape photographer who contributes exclusively to istockphoto.com...my photos are available there starting at 25 cents an image. I currently shoot with an $8000 1ds Mark II, but wonder if the new 5D MKII will allow me to surpass large format quality?”
Not only will many of your fellow forum idiots agree with your delusions, making you feel better, but they might even share Marc’s email address or (gasp!) his phone number. Now there’s the real Fountain of all Artistic and Photographic Knowledge!
2. Take a “photography” workshop. Heck, take more than one.
So now you have a 5D MkII, or a Rebel Xsi, if you’re lower class (ie, not Marc Adamus), and you’re all a-bursting with passion for your new-found love of photography (emphasis on “new-found”). However, you have no direction. You need someone mature, someone highly successful, to guide you to creating your new fake business.
So your next step is “education”. No, not the legitimate sort that involves diplomas and professors, but the kind that involves signing up for a “workshop” from some anonymous Internet nobody and forking over anywhere from $300-1500 for this “training”. Investment in your future, right? And nothing impresses the galleries in Paris and New York like telling them you took that image while on a Marc Adamus workshop (gasps of horror!...do you have Marc’s number?) (something fraud/scum Kevin Mcneal never fails to remind us of).
Of course, on a serious note, all these workshop-flogging frauds like Marc Adamus are doing it because they can’t sell an image to save their own lives, but so what? You probably won’t sell any images either. You’ll find out that taking a workshop is the mandatory step before teaching workshops to other losers! After all, if you’re a fraud, real money comes from training others in your preferred scam, and not directly advertising your fake “wares” to the public. The charlatans in medical quackery, for example, have learned this lesson well, and you will too. More on this later.
While we’re on the subject of workshops, it’s imperative that you take more than one, of course. Ideally, take more than one from the same workshop teaching fraud. Ideally, this will be Marc Adamus, but sometimes you’re not lucky, and the scam artists at Photocascadia.con, for example, can hook you up, cheaper than Marc too! If you like getting high while “learning” about photography, look up Ryan “I most certainly inhaled” Dyar. You’ll know what we mean when you meet him. One thing is certain. If you want only the best, be sure your “teacher” is “Marc certified”. That just means that he’s taken at least one Marc Adamus workshop. Don’t worry about this one: if the scam artist you’re looking at has taken a Marc workshop, he’ll talk about nothing else (taken on a workshop with Marc Adamus!, remember).
Now that you have your workshop “certificate of idiocy” from the University of Suckers and Losers, chaired by Marc Adamus, you need to move to the next step of setting up your fake business. But wait, we aren’t giving you any spoilers. Stay tuned for parts 3 and 4!
