Setting up Your own Fake Photography Business! PARTS 3 & 4

LoserPhotographers.com Feature

  Setting up Your own Fake Photography Business! PARTS 3 & 4

  This should be of great interest to all the middle age or fresh-out-of-college LOSERS out there. Suddenly get a yearning to be an “artist” when you see that shiny new Canon 5D mark 2 at Best Buy? Did you see Marc’s new “photos” on photo.net and get a rise in the pants? Follow the steps in this article so you can call yourself an Artist and Professional Photographer too! Because we like to write and these can get a little long, we’re posting 2 parts at a time.  Check back regularly for the rest!

See parts 1 and 2 here.

3.  Get a Jack Brauer/Wide Range Galleries website.

  A good start in your fake business requires a thunderous explosion of bullshit and the proper, eminently professional look that only a very expensive Jack Brauer website will achieve, if you want to Be Like Marc ©.  Starting at “merely” $2000, a Jack Brauer website impresses the losers you will soon be offering your workshops to. However, you really want the $6000 one. A Great Artist© such as yourself deserves the finest Internet presence money can buy. If Floris Van Breugel could afford one, so can you. Beg, borrow, steal, threaten, do whatever you have to do. Stealing is the best way, since you need to get used to it. As a fake photographer, you will have no compositions of your own to offer; you will simply “appropriate” the compositions of real photographers as your own. So go rob a bank or a 7-11. Of course, having rich parents also helps, if you’re not into felonies (although you’d like to smash in “Marc Adamus LIES 2.0”’ face with a baseball bat). Floris Van Breugel and Ryan Dyar, among others, know this well. Always deny having well-to-do parents, or living at home in the basement (Ryan Dyar), if asked, by the way. Say you spent college grant or loan money on your photography gear (Floris Van Bruegel). Smart people will stay away from you regardless, so you really only need to fool the idiots out there. Your financial excuses only need be remotely plausible. 

  Also have Jack Brauer whip up a fake signature and a watermark that makes you look Really Artistic©. Do not tell anyone that it is not your real signature. Have a transparent background prepared and paste your signature on every image, too. No one will know that your real signature is probably just the good old “X”.

4. Write up some world-class bullshit on your new website, particularly, your “about me” page.

  It’s not enough to have a fancy website. You need a proper amount of speculative bullshit and unsubstantiated statements. Not too much, because you’re probably only semi-literate, and there’s only so many misspellings of “professional” or “passionate” the public will tolerate. Stick to a page or so of lies and boasts. It can be in a very small font, if you like. None of what you write in your “about me” or “about the artist” will be true, but so what? The losers you will be selling workshops to won’t verify anything you write. Here are some of the proven winners you should include:

-I am extraordinarily passionate about wilderness/photography (a must have, especially if you have never been in real wilderness before)

-I have won awards and have been displayed in galleries worldwide (say galleries all over the west, at the very least).

- I have a keen eye, developed over years of hiking/snowboarding/love for wilderness, etc etc.

-I only use the finest paper and acid-free matte (even though you will be unable to explain what any of this means to anyone…and to most of your buddies, like Ryan Dyar, “acid” is something that makes you feel really good)

-I have been acclaimed as one of the most talented photographers of my time

-I want to show you the special moments I’ve witnessed out there

-Great images are never the result of a computer! (Yes, we’ve all heard this one before, but it’s important to use something like this if you Photoshop “the heck” out of your images and they look fake)

- I spend over 300 days a year in the field (At the bare minimum, you MUST say you are out there© at least 200 days a year. If you are really bold, say something like I spend 400 days a year in the field. No one will notice this preposterous claim; we promise)

-Say you didn’t discover photography; photography discovered you. You want to make it sound as if you simply had no choice in the matter. Photography was so compelling to you, and wilderness is so important, that you just had to pick up a camera to show the rest of us what’s out there.

-Say you started in photography when your parents gave you a Kodak Brownie, or similar. This will establish your bona fides and prevent critics from simply pointing out that you are a loser who steals compositions and Photoshops “the heck” out of them.

-Say that you stopped messing with photography while you were dealing with school and jobs by making up a story about how 35mm and medium format film simply wasn’t “good enough” for what you wanted to do. You were really just waiting for the Canon 5D Mark II to come along. And if asked about large format photography, dismiss it by saying that it doesn’t fit your style of “high and wild” photography.

  That should be enough to get you started. Remember, in the world of LOSERS, THUGS, and just all around SCUM such as yourself, copyright and common courtesy doesn’t exist. Find a statement that you like on Art Wolfe or Carr Clifton’s website? Just take it. No one will criticize you. The world of Nature Photographers . Net and Photo.net is a criticism free void, a reality-free dimension. And real photographers are too busy out taking images to notice that you’ve stolen half their bio and over 10% of their compositions. 

  There is, however, one thing you should never do. Do not include a self-portrait on your new $6000 Jack Brauer/Wide Range Galleries website! You are probably either a balding, overweight, unattractive middle-aged loser, or a drug-addicted freak like Ryan Dyar. No one wants to see your face. In addition, not having a photograph will lend an air of mystery to your persona. Be like Marc. Say you do not like having your photo taken. Trust us on this one.

Parts 5 and 6 coming soon. Stay tuned!